reedspeed's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .. I'd be lying if I said I was happy here without you. I have everything I need and more, a great job and many wonderful material objects, somehow all these objects dont even fill me a quarter as full as you made my heart fill. 1:24 p.m. - 2010-01-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- scared I can feel everything on my skin the words he spits at my face the things they say behind my back...i'm clueless i dont know who to trust or what i want and i know that that is somehow my fault. i dont know who to turn to or what to say im scared of change and terrified of what lies ahead of me. 11:59 p.m. - 2010-01-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- . I pull myself apart, i strech out in ever direction, im trying to help other people, and i listen to them, i dont want to talk about it. I dont want to miss him, I dont want to admit my brother is dead. 12:27 a.m. - 2009-12-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Alone... Looking at my life now i wonder if it was ever normal, if i was ever happy, or okay. 9:16 p.m. - 2009-11-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chaos. My brothers 26th birthday was on monday, and through the chaos of the day time didnt even flinch as his spirit aged. I thought something, I don't know what,but something would have happened. The day was left empty with no reminder in time that something as extrordinary as my brother getting older, except me whispering it tpo his picture on my nightstand.
I'm wishing I could just get lost in the chaos of the world so I could find my way out of this chaos I call My life. I'm enveloped in love and loss, struggling with reality and wondering if the things I'm remembering were a dream or yesterdays occurences.I don't know who I am. This is what I've got so far; I'm a girl, I hate myself, I like black, I'm broken, something is missing. 7:14 p.m. - 2009-10-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aspiration. Cuts like a knife, 7:19 p.m. - 2009-09-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Can't be. if god is real then why is there so much tragedy, so many deaths, so many broken lives, I find it hard to believe that this wonderful god that people speak of would let all of it happen. 1:27 p.m. - 2009-09-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Leave. Days are bleak, thoughts of old times, thats just not what I want anymore...
8:11 p.m. - 2009-09-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Notice. So, its another day, I sit in a school with a couple thousand other kids, I walk the halls with them and dissapear into classes all day. No sign that I've been there, or that I am there. I'm not in any clubs, and I'm not part of student councel or any other extra corickular activities. I listen to my favorite song over and over, I do my work, and I'm beat tired when I get home. Nobody notices me; but I notice everything. Like how everyone groups off into exact groups of people, like scared children leading a strict and regulated cult. No room for outsiders. Even I have a group, though I'm part of a couple there are times and places for everything apparently. I notice how everyone wants to be my friend because I'm getting a car next year. I notice how that girl with the pecular past hangs onto that boy who was in the hospital for unknown reasons very very tight. I notice that no one see's me, that even though their looking, they seem to look right through me. I notice that there are few people who smile in passing, and that the people who see me; the people I've known for years look at me the same way they did when I was younger, or when they first met me. Thats just the people who know me though, the people who are aquaintences look at me in an unexpectingly odd and natorious way, when they hear I've done drugs they dont waste time on getting to know me or trying to be my friend. Some try to milk me for my savings or push-over qualities and somethink I'm popular so they stick around long enough to find out I'm not. I guess I hang out around the "in" croud but its an odd thing seeings as I feel like I'm completely lone, even with all of my "friends". I can never reach out or call someone when I'm hurting... 5:27 p.m. - 2009-09-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Shutting off... I finally did it, I told him out of nowhere that its too hard and quickly said goodbye, no perfect last words or last moments of good-bye, I laid it out flat, and I said good-bye. So yeah I'll probably talk to him again, but not for a very very long time, and this time it won't be bacuse hes not there, but because I cant do it. I'm still in love with him and we're not even together! I need so desperately to fall out of love with him, and I'm done using a rebound or being used as a rebound to do it. I'll turn off for awhile, long enough that maybe these crazy heart skipping mind twisting feelings will subside...
5:18 p.m. - 2009-09-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Attention. Attention is like something people feed off, begging for attention, fishing for compliments, should we all just love more, maybe then people wouldnt have to look so hard... 8:53 p.m. - 2009-09-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Comming from the Rule. Dear whoever is out there,
7:29 p.m. - 2009-09-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Years later... So I've somehow passed through the last four years like sand in and hour glass. Dabbling in things I apparently shouldn't; drugs, alcohol, partying, smoking. Somehow these things hold a strange comfort to me, a framiliarity that i cant quite get from anything other than music and old songs...that just keep reminding me of the past, but I dont want to listen to anything new, I have nothing to look forward to and everything to look back on. Over the years we still talk he confess's that he was in love with me, and jokingly says stuff that shouldn't lead me on and give me hope but it does, he has a little girl now, with a girl hes not seeing and she looks so much like him. Me...what have I become? Nothing and no one, I've had one serious relationship since we've stopped...I dont even know what to call what we had. And everytime I broke it off with that person, so many times, in the beginning they hurt me soo bad, after him I was already fucked up...I guess they didn't help by repeatedly screwing me over, again and again. Now I guess I've hurt them too, I dont guess I know I have, by falling out of love, I hope thats what it was, it felt kind of like it. 7:11 p.m. - 2009-09-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Lie Unravelled Everyday seemed easier walking through the streets singing in the shower. Simple, happy, peaceful, wonderful, exuberating! We talked for hours on end not keeping track of the time. And then our time ran out, my sister, the same one who melested me wasn't finished ruining the only chance at happiniess i might ever have had. She told my mother my mother made me confess to the only person in the world that made me feel alive, human, the only person who...made my heart jump into my throat and skip a thousand beats that I was really just and eleven year old sad excuse for a girl.... he was crushed, words cant describe the way he felt, he hated me, he hated himself for falling for a CHILD.... I shouldnt have lied, but if I hadn't have we wouldnt have met, he wouldn't have loved me, he wouldnt have treated me the way I needed to be treated....monthes passed and we didnt talk, then for the good of...I dont even know who he talked to me...he FORGAVE me...I wanted him to lash out at me in a wild and curious way, I wanted him to hate me and call me profanities...but he didnt, instead he did something worse...something that hurt more than the cruelest profanity you can think of...he treated me my numbered age, not only did he treat me my age he treated me like a sister... 6:22 p.m. - 2009-09-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Falling It started out like any other summer, hanging out with a childhood friend fooling around on the internet, looking for trouble. I honestly wasn't looking for anything, not a boyfriend or anything, just some sort of a good time. Being in a broken home with unreliable parents you kind of raise yourself, and grow up fast. I always felt older, I was eleven prettending to be eightteen. I was goofing around and thats when I met him, on an internet chat room. Somehow in the first few sentences we hit it off and decided to exchange e-mails. It was so easy talking to the nineteen year old with a troubled past and present, mixed up in drugs and bad habbits with a family much like mine in horribly similar but different ways. Talking him was like feeling every love story you had ever read or pretended to understand and breathing it in like air every chance you got. I talked to him for hours on end, he didnt want sex with me, though we flirted we took it slow, making the "chase" make my heart pound with each second he twisted into my mind, somehow he slipped in my mind so easily and every other second. He made me feel so happy,; everyone noticed. It seemed as if every song on the radio was a love song playing for me and him. Waking up in the morning and wanting to actually be alive, sleeping and dreaming of him of us, of life. Before him I was suicidal, and insomniac. Wishing for death. Now I was breathing every breath with a happy intent, thinking about the future. 11:17 p.m. - 2009-09-06 ------- ♥ ----------- ♥ --------------- ♥ ---------------- ♥ ------------------ ♥ ------------ ♥ ---------- ♥ |
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